


Don't know if I love you, don't know if I hate you

by jbhmalum



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, M/M, Panic Attacks, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:01:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25222072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jbhmalum/pseuds/jbhmalum
Summary: Contrary to what Michael had told Calum, he wasn’t growing out out of his crush. No, he felt thispullwhen he was around the drummer, he was still so fascinated by him. Which was stupid, because how could he have feelings for someone he didn't know?-or: Michael and Ashton have a complicated relationship (partially inspired by the missing Ashton speaks to Michael video)
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	Don't know if I love you, don't know if I hate you

**Author's Note:**

> hi!  
> so, this is totally me projecting because a lot of the time i really want to have deep conversations with people that don’t seem mentally capable of/ready to do it, or i feel like people wouldn’t want to share those deep thoughts with me. Also i am both ashton and michael in this, which can be exhausting, but also material for writing so i’ll take it.
> 
> again, this is very self-indulgent, but i needed to externalize a few things.
> 
> Enjoy!

Michael and Ashton have always had a complicated relationship, to say the least.

When Ashton first joined the band, Michael was in complete admiration in front of him. He was in awe of how confident the drummer was in their band being successful, of the work he put into making sure they would become _something_. Michael was sure they owed Ashton so much more than they realized for where they were today.

He also might have realized he was into guys after meeting Ashton. Michael had found himself thinking about Ashton’s dimples and giggle and, strangely, _arms_ most nights, and after a few months he’d developed a bit of a crush. He’d told Calum about it, who promised not to tell on him (Michael trusted him not to, that’s why he’d told him in the first place) and told him to be careful, but Michael reassured him that it wasn’t a big deal. He didn’t feel like doing anything about it, he was just happy appreciating the drummer from afar.

However, not too long after they met, Michael realized that Ashton had a lot of personal issues, that he wasn’t as put together on the inside as he was on the outside. He started noticing things about his bandmate that made him think he was not so good, like the way he would wear so many bracelets if he wasn’t wearing a long-sleeved shirt, or the way he would close himself off when someone mentioned his childhood or his family. And Michael did not know how to deal with that in a way that would help.

He would try to talk about it with Ashton every once in a while, but if he wasn’t writing a song, he could be quite clumsy with his words, so he always ended up making things worse. Ashton would get defensive and say hurtful things he didn’t mean, and Michael would scream hurtful things back at him, frustrated more than anything. They half-heartedly apologized each time, but Michael was too stubborn to give up, so when he noticed his friend was having a bad day he would try again, and the cycle would repeat itself.

The thing was, they couldn’t seem to understand each other, no matter how much they tried. Michael had his own set of issues and insecurities, but it seemed like everyone close to him knew about them. Which was one of the reasons why he didn’t get why Ashton never liked talking about things: Michael was _loud_ about his insecurities. And maybe Ashton couldn’t deal with that himself.

So as the months and then the years went by and Ashton started smiling a bit more and seeing a therapist but still never wanted to share anything serious about himself with the band, Michael gradually started giving him the cold shoulder. Luke and Calum seemed to have gotten used to the drummer not sharing personal stuff (or maybe they were never really bothered by it in the first place) but Michael always felt as if Ashton was refusing to let them in his life.

And that wasn’t fair, because they shared everything with him. The good, the bad, the things they were trying to figure out. Ashton just never seemed to feel like giving back, and for some reason Michael grew bitter about it rather quickly.

The worst part was, contrary to what he’d told Calum, he wasn’t growing out out of his crush. No, he felt this _pull_ when he was around the drummer, he was still so fascinated by him. Which was _stupid_ , because how could he have feelings for someone he did not _know_? Because Ashton could be loud on camera for the fans, but they didn’t realize that what he was telling them was _shallow_. He was saying a lot of stuff to hide the fact that, in truth, he was saying nothing. That incoherence between the opposing feelings made Michael even more mad, so at some point he just… decided to stop trying to probe Ashton for information.

– 

It was harder than he thought, at first. Sometimes he had to refrain himself from asking because he hated the hurt look in his friend’s eyes and he hated not being able to do anything about it even more, but then one of them would talk about something important without the drummer sharing anything in return, and Michael would be mad again, just like that. The only way he would communicate with Ashton when he was like that was with annoyed glares. Ashton would obviously notice, and at some point he started distancing himself from Michael even more, not even bothering talking to him about stuff that didn’t involve music.

After a while, Luke and Calum started to notice the difference in Michael and Ashton’s relationship. Because as much as it was hard seeing them argue all the time, it was even harder watching them not exchanging a word for days on end, and it was having repercussions on the well-being of the band. 

They confronted him about it one day in the dressing room before a show, when Michael had been glaring at Ashton for two full weeks. Ashton was out discussing something with the tech guys, so they were able to corner him. 

“Mike, this is getting ridiculous,” Luke started. And Luke never started, he didn’t like confrontation. “Why do you keep ignoring Ash like this? I’m not saying I liked watching the two of you butt heads, but this is worse!”

“Yeah, and it’s been going on for a while,” Calum jumped in, “and every time you talk to him again I think to myself ‘finally’, but then you start again with your shit!” He looked pissed off, but Michael knew it was because he cared about his friends. 

He hesitated replying for just a second, but then he thought, ‘fuck it’, and decided it might be time to share what had been bugging him about their drummer for years.

“I don’t know why I should be the one to put in all the work,” He said with more bite than he intended. “Doesn’t it annoy you that he never shares anything with us? We’ve known him for 3 years and I feel like I know nothing about him. At least nothing that matters. 3 fucking years! Damn it we’re practically living out of each other’s pockets, we’ve released an album together! When I’d ask him what’s wrong when he was down, he would shut me off and scream awful things at me! And every time I do learn something about him, it’s something he’s said in an interview or some bullshit, to people who don’t _care_!”

Luke and Calum seemed taken aback by Michael’s outburst, their eyes wide open.

After a few seconds passed where Michael was red in the face from anger and embarrassment, Calum spoke up gently, as if trying not to spook the guitarist.

“Michael, I don’t think you’re being rational... Wait, are you telling me that’s why you’ve been a dick to Ash all this time? Is that what you two argue about?”

“Who am I arguing with?”

The three of them turned to where the drummer had appeared in the doorway, not looking up from his phone. He did look up when nobody answered him, and seemed to understand when he saw the guilty look on Luke and Calum’s faces, as well as the anger on Michael’s. After staring at Michael for what felt like an hour, Ashton just rolled his eyes and went straight to the other side of the room to change.

“Are you kidding me?” Luke asked in disbelief. “So you’re both ignoring each other now?”

Ashton huffed. “Michael’s ignoring me. Like he almost always does. So I’m not gonna be the first one to talk.”

And, here’s the thing. If there was _one_ thing Michael knew about Ashton, it was that he was just as stubborn as he was. Which, honestly, was one of the reasons why their relationship was so strained, because now that they had this animosity going on between the two of them, neither of them would take the first step towards rekindling their friendship. Although, their friendship wasn’t completely gone. There were rare moments in between the times they were mad at each other where they would be rehearsing or on band-dates and they would find themselves laughing together, even teaming up on their two other bandmates at time.

Because, no matter how it annoyed him, Michael always seemed to gravitate towards Ashton. He still didn’t know why, or mostly why it was still the case seeing as the drummer always infuriated him. And, maybe Calum was right and he was being irrational. But he just- he couldn’t help it.

“Mike, I need to talk to you.”

He was shaken from his thoughts by Calum grabbing his arm and before he knew it, they were locked away in the bathroom.

“What the fuck, Calum, let me out.”

His best friend sighed, running his hands over his face a few times before looking at Michael, almost sadly.

“Do you still have feelings for him?” he asked out of the blue. He continued before the red haired boy could disagree. “I just think you’re taking this a bit too hard, is all. You were mostly fine the first year we were a band. Yeah, I remember hearing you arguing sometimes but you always made up. What changed?”

Michael chose to ignore the parts he didn’t feel like talking about. “Well I think you’re not taking this hard enough.” He started smirking at his own words, about to make a joke, but then his face fell when he realized something. “Wait… Has he been talking to you? Is that why you’re not mad? Is it just me he’s been shutting out?”

Calum shook his head, but his whole body language screamed guilt. “It’s not just you. I don’t think he shares too much with Luke either.”

“But he does share things with you.”

It wasn’t even a question. And when Calum nodded hesitantly, he could feel his heart break. Like, physically. He felt so betrayed that his best friend was probably having late night conversations with _Ashton_ , of all people. It wasn’t Calum’s fault, but damn it, he could feel his eyes watering and now that, that was an irrational reaction.

“It’s nothing against you, Mike. It’s just a hard thing for him to do.”

Michael was shaking and his eyes started watering even more, but this time he could tell it was from anger. Not at Calum, though. Never at him.

“Can you and Luke leave the room for a minute? I want to talk to him.” He said after taking a deep breath, looking his friend in the eye to show him he was serious.

Calum seemed unsure, but he eventually left the bathroom with one last weak smile at Michael, apparently not noticing his friend’s building anger, and a minute later he heard Luke complain before Calum shushed him and then the door closed.

When Michael walked back into the room, the silence was deafening. Ashton had put on his stage clothes for the night, and he was stuck looking at the door, almost looking scared at the thought of being alone with the guitarist.

“Do you hate me that much?”

Ashton jumped at the sound of Michael’s voice, a hand flying to his chest, apparently not expecting someone to address him.

“Jesus Michael. Don’t creep up on people like that.” He tried to catch his breath. “And I don’t hate you, what the fuck.”

Michael was extremely suspicious.

“Well, I know I stopped, but for a long time I kept asking you what was wrong, because I wanted to help, and you always shut me down, because you didn’t want to “talk about it”. But all this time, you’ve been telling everything to Calum, how is that you not hating me?” He eyes were still wet and he was almost screaming again, but he didn’t really care.

He’d never had that urge before, but he wanted to slap Ashton when he had the audacity to roll his eyes. “Oh my god, you are so full of yourself. Not everything is about you, Clifford.”

And Michael felt like the one being slapped at the words, and at the use of his last name. He wasn’t gonna slap him, but he still took a few strides towards Ashton, who took a step back, colliding with the wall. Michael was all up in his space now, and it felt good to scream at him again after weeks of not exchanging a word.

“And you,” he pointed a finger at Ashton’s chest, “are full of _shit_!” The other boy first looked surprised, but then his eyes narrowed and he brought a hand to Michael’s shoulder as if to push him off, but the red hair took a hold of his wrist to stop him, not even thinking about what he was doing. “You’ve never even had one honest conversation with me that wasn’t about music –”

“Michael please –”

“I don’t know what you even like other than music,” he ignored Ashton, too caught up in his anger, “I don’t know anything about your family or your childhood –”

“Mike please, let me go.” Ashton whispered again, and Michael could hear the slight tremble in his voice but he thought he was just angry as well, so he gripped Ashton’s wrist tighter, not noticing the way the other’s breath hitched.

“No, you don’t want to talk, fine, you can listen to me! Hell, I’m not even asking you to talk about your dad, but you could just, I don’t know, tell me a stupid memory, like, about a time you embarrassed yourself at school like we all have, or –” He put his other hand on Ashton’s chest to emphasize his point, and that’s when he realized something might be wrong.

“Ash?” He took the time to look at the drummer properly, and, oh god. Ashton was struggling to breathe and his gaze was fixated on where Michael was gripping his _bare_ wrist, the thin pinkish lines barely hidden under his fingers.

As if burned, Michael dropped his wrist and jumped back a couple feet, eyes wide as Ashton fell to the floor and curled in on himself, having a hard time breathing, hands alternating between clutching his wrists and tugging at his curls.

Shit, Ashton was having a full on panic attack. He’d had a few of those himself before, but that didn’t mean he knew how to deal with someone else having one, especially when he was the cause of it.

He could hear the other boy whispering something over and over, and it took him a while to realize he was telling him to “get Calum”. Not wasting a second, he took out his phone and dialed his best friend’s number.

“Calum,” he said with a shaky voice. “You need– Ash– I think he’s having a panic attack.” 

He heard Calum let out a curse before telling him he was on his way. He must have not been too far away because not even a minute later he came bursting through the door, running to Ashton and putting his arms around him as he whispered what Michael assumed to be instructions on how to breath as well as reassurances.

Michael could only stare in shock as he realized what he’d done. Then he wondered if his friend had been on the brink of an episode every time he’d pushed, and he felt like he was going to throw up.

He went along when Luke led him by the hand outside the room (he hadn’t even noticed the younger boy coming in). As soon as they were in the corridor, Michael let himself fall in Luke’s arms. As his friend held him tight, Michael let out a silent sob, feeling helpless.

“Luke, what have I done?”

– 

After that, things started to change again. The show that night had been a disaster, Luke and Calum barely able to carry it on their own. Ashton and Michael had loosened up a little bit once on stage, but they weren’t as coordinated as they usually were and the other two had to make up for it.

For weeks, Michael didn’t know how to act around the drummer. He would weigh his words before he spoke to Ashton, even if it was just to say hi in the morning, afraid to trigger another panic attack out of him. 

But after a few weeks of skirting around each other, they silently agreed to act like actual friends again, like they did in the beginning. At first, it was confusing. Michael didn’t really remember how to be friends with Ashton without yelling and being yelled at in return, and Ashton… Well, Ashton was a bit hesitant to be around Michael on his own, as if he was still expecting him to pry information that he wasn’t ready to give out of him, which was fair enough.

When they started writing for what would be their second album, things started to get a little bit easier. They realized they very much enjoyed bouncing ideas off of each other, and that those ideas turned out great more often than not. And so they made an effort to actually have a real friendship.

For the next few years, they learned how to be friends in a way that suited the both of them. They would hang out without the other two, even have fun while doing it. There were still days when Michael felt like he was walking on eggshells around Ashton, mostly when he could tell the drummer was having a rough day, but then he would notice him hiding away with Calum, and instead of being angry (or _jealous_ , as he’d recognized the reaction to be) he would just feel immense relief. He would wonder, sometimes, if there was something more going on between Calum and Ashton, but he figured Calum would tell him if there was, even if Ashton wouldn’t.

As the years went on, those days would get fewer and far between. They had a nice dynamic, their own private jokes that they refused sharing with the other two, and Ashton became more comfortable around Michael, even though they were nowhere near as close as he was with Calum, and that was fine, Michael understood.

Ashton also grew more confident in himself, Michael could tell. He had done a lot of internal work, and he gradually turned into the spokesperson of the band when it seemed like none of the other boys would, without being prompted. It made sense, since he was doing a lot for the band, making a lot of important decisions.

By the time they went on the 5SOS3 tour, everything was good. Michael had learned to love Ashton the way he was, and Michael could feel the love back. He still tried not to analyze the way he loved Ashton too much, and for the most part it worked, because Michael was a pro at denial when it suited him. Building this relationship with the other boy towards where they were now had been such a hardship, he wasn’t about to ruin it with stupid feelings, whatever they were exactly.

Anyway, from that point on, things were good. Great, even. Ashton was happy, for the most part – at least, he didn’t look like he was faking it. He was bad at it anyways, Michael wouldn’t have bought it, even though he wouldn’t have known what to do about it – and he laughed when Michael made stupid jokes and he would let the blond rest his head on his shoulder on airplane or bus rides, and Michael would make Ashton personalized playlists for every country they visited. Ashton had told him many a time how he absolutely cherished those playlists, and how thanks to them he would remember those trips even better later on.

They had something good going on, and neither of them felt like risking ruining it.

– 

And then, when Michael least expects it, Ashton just… does a complete 180 on him. 

It started one day as they were eating breakfast while they were traveling around the world to promote _Easier_ , and Ashton broke the comfortable silence between the four of them.

“Guys, there’s something I thought about doing for the fans,” he started, pausing to take a sip of orange juice, “as a side promo-thing.”

“What did you have in mind?” Calum asked, always happy to indulge Ashton’s crazy ideas. Luke and Michael were a bit more skeptical, as usual.

“Well, I was thinking, a lot of the interviews we do are complete jokes –” the three other boys all let out a grunt of agreement at that, “so I thought we could maybe do our own interviews?”

Although it was the opposite of what they were expecting, Calum and Luke both nodded at the idea. Michael wasn’t so quick to agree.

“Won’t that, like, turn into a disaster as it always does with the four of us?” He wondered.

“You have a point Mike,” Ashton replied, but he looked hesitant to continue. When he did, he ran his hand through his vibrant red hair and his gaze turned to Calum, where Michael couldn’t really see his eyes. “I was thinking I could do an interview with each of you. I could ask you about more important stuff, like, how you’re all dealing with things.”

Luke and Michael looked at him suspiciously, even though the drummer wasn’t watching them. Michael could see that Calum was about to agree, because no matter how quiet he was during actual interviews, he loved spilling his thoughts on important things. He could go on for hours, Michael had been witness to it quite a few times in all his years of knowing him. One time, when they were fourteen, Calum had come to sleep over and at first Michael had been a bit disappointed when he’d told him he wasn’t in the mood to play video games, but then he’d proceeded to whisper about the universe and whether or not they mattered in the grand scheme of things all night, and Michael had been so captivated by the stream of consciousness flowing out of his best friend’s mouth that it didn’t matter that they had to wake up at 7am in the morning. (His mom had frowned at their tired faces while driving them to school, but had said nothing.)

Trying to catch Ashton’s attention, he replied before Calum had a chance to.

“Ash, are you sure? You’re gonna interview us… _separately_?” He made sure to emphasize on the last word.

Luke looked at him with a frown, silently asking what was the issue, but before he could defend himself, Ashton answered him.

“Yeah? I don’t know, I just, I thought it would be cool if I interviewed you guys, that the fans would like it.” He shrugged nonchalantly, though he was still looking at Michael hesitantly, but his eyes were also pleading him to agree, for whatever reason.

Michael just nodded, eyes locked on Ashton, who sighed in apparent relief before turning back to Calum and Luke, and he wondered what was happening. He could faintly register the other boys discussing where and when they would do this, but he was too busy trying to think about the “interview” he would have with the drummer, and about why he’d looked like he would have been disappointed if Michael had said no.

– 

As it turned out, the others had decided to film the interviews in Ashton’s hotel room in Milan the week after, as they would have time during the day in between promo sessions to film them.

Luke was up first, before the first radio interview of the day. They came out of the room not even five minutes later, laughing because they weren’t able to talk a long time, apparently having forgotten that the promo started this early.

For the rest of the day, they carried on doing promo, and Michael felt like he was both annoyed and numb to it at the same time after the first hour. He was too busy watching Ashton anyway, who was all smiles and jokes, which was unusual for him in that environment. Michael wondered if it was just him being excited about his own little interviews, but he couldn’t make sense of that, either. He didn’t ask Luke what they’d talked about, but his mind attempted to supply him with answers, anyways.

Before dinner, they went back to their rooms, Calum following Ashton to his, and Michael changed into more comfortable clothes, sighing as he fell down on the couch. He and Calum had agreed to eat dinner together, after the latter had realized Michael was irrationally nervous about doing this with Ashton. He hadn’t had to worry about being around Ashton for years, and they’d had a handful of honest conversations since then, even if they barely scratched the surface of their real thoughts. He’d learned to be okay with the way his friendship with the drummer worked, and now Ashton wanted to discuss things with him that were important enough to make him nervous when he asked?

Michael jolted when he heard the door open, frowning when Calum came in, joining him on the couch. “You’re back already? You where gone for barely fifteen minutes.”

Calum just shrugged, putting his feet up on the coffee table, ignoring Michael’s glare for doing so. “I guess he wanted to do something quick. See? You have nothing to worry about.”

Michael let out a dramatic sigh. Calum was probably right, but still. He wouldn’t admit that.

Calum cooked them spaghetti, because he’d promised after Michael had begged him the whole day, and they ended up talking for much longer than he thought they would. At first, Michael had felt bad when he’d told Calum he wanted dinner to only be the two of them, but Calum had waved him off, arguing that the other two would understand that sometimes they needed to have some space.

When the clock turned 10, Michael put his shoes back on, waved Calum goodnight, and set for Ashton’s room, hoping the drummer had changed into something more casual as well, not wanting to appear too lazy, even though people probably thought he was lazy already, which was kind of true.

It turned out he didn’t need to worry, because Ashton had put on a merch hoodie, which made him look extremely fluffy.

“Hey Ash,” he said as he took a sit, noticing the camera on the small table. He assumed it was already recording when Ashton sat down on the chair next to him and starting talking.

“Hi Mike. How you doing today, buddy?” He had his interview voice on, and he looked relaxed, it was obvious in the way he was holding himself, so Michael had no choice but to calm down as well. It was just Ashton. If he hadn’t wanted to do this, he wouldn’t have suggested it.

“I’m good. Little nervous though, not gonna lie.”

If Ashton was surprised at his honesty, he didn’t show it. “Why is that?” He asked, purely for their audience, because there was no way Ashton didn’t know. 

“Well, you know,” Michael didn’t know how much Ashton was willing to share about their relationship, but he figured he could just edit it later if he wanted to. “We don’t really have that sort of conversations, you and I, because...” This time he didn’t know if he wanted to continue, not wanting to put Ashton in a delicate situation where he felt he had to explain himself. Michael wasn’t looking for that anymore.

The drummer arched an eyebrow at him, inquiring him to carry on with his thought. Michael sighed. “Because, every time I tried, in the past, you would shut me out, and we would always fight, afterwards.” Michael bit his lip, looking down at his hands that were fiddling with a loose straw on his sweatshirt. “And after that last time, well. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

He felt a bit out of his depth. They’d never talked about the panic attack with each other, it was as if there was a silent agreement not to. He looked up again, and he could see the conflict in Ashton’s features, like he really wanted to say something, but didn’t know if it was a good idea, and his eyes flickered to the camera once.

“I think,” the red haired started, “I think I wouldn’t be uncomfortable, if you talked to me now.”

Michael’s eyes widened of their own accord, and he had to make an effort to keep his jaw from dropping to the floor. “Huh,” he said very unintelligibly. When Ashton kept looking at him like he was begging him to agree, Michael started to understand. There was something he wanted to say, but it was almost as if he needed Michael to ask first.

“Are you sure?” He hated that he sounded so eager, but Ashton might be about to share an ounce of what was going on inside that head of his, and Michael wasn’t about to pass the chance, even if it was the only thing they ever shared together. “Yeah, okay. I just don’t want you to have a panic attack on me again, tho.”

His clasped his hand over his mouth as he realized what he’d said, pretty sure Ashton wouldn’t be okay sharing that information to the world, and he was proven right when the drummer glanced at the camera nervously.

Michael made the decision for the both of them and turned it off. He looked at Ashton, who looked relieved, and Michael was happy he could read his friend correctly. “We can do that another time, about something else. I think you could do without an audience, yeah?” He offered a smile he hoped was reassuring when Ashton just nodded, his confidence coming back a bit. “Was there anything specific you wanted to talk bout? We’ve been doing so good, lately, I just really don’t want to trigger anything.”

Ashton was looking at him with something that Michael couldn’t pinpoint, but it was something soft and open. “Yeah, actually, I just… I kind of wanted to explain why I haven’t been talking to you. Or anyone really-”

“Ash, you don’t have to, I told you, it’s fine-”

“No, I really want to,” he hurried to say, “I realized over the past few months that I really want to be honest with you now. Not that I didn’t want to be before, I just wasn’t ready.” He looked guilty, as if he didn’t have any reason not to be ready, as if the thought of sharing things with Michael hadn’t literally triggered a panic attack once, probably even more times than that.

“Well, I guess… can you not interrupt me? You can ask me questions afterwards if you want.” He continued when Michael nodded in agreement. “Okay. So, as you know, my dad left when I was a kid, and it really messed me up. Growing up I had a lot of trouble making friends because I had a lot of trust issues. And I did have a few friends, but they never stuck around for very long, which didn’t help.” Ashton took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “This is why I’ve always been so insecure. I know it doesn’t always look like it because I try my hardest to compensate by being eloquent and well-spoken, but apparently you saw right through it. And when you started asking questions I just- I got scared. Because I’d told the story to some friends before, and they left. Called me a freak when they saw the scars.”

Michael could see he was trying to remain calm, but he was unconsciously rubbing at his wrists and looking around the room, and his composure was starting to slip. Which was unsettling, because apart from that time with the panic attack, Ashton was always very composed, put together. And Michael had always known it was just a facade, obviously, but witnessing it crumble was not as satisfying as he would have thought a few years ago.

“I didn’t want you to leave me, I couldn’t bare the thought. And it hurt, to reject you every time, and I hated when we would fight and you wouldn’t speak to me for days, but that was better than you calling me a freak and abandoning me. And you were also so loud about your own… emotions and feelings, it was too much for me, because I didn’t know how I fit in between your loud and vibrant self and your caring that I didn’t even believe in.”

He looked back at Michael, and the blond realized he wasn’t gonna say anything more, that he was waiting for some sort of reaction from Michael.

“Are you afraid I’m gonna leave you now?”

“No?” Ashton worded it like a question, and Michael felt heartbroken.

“Because I won’t, Ash. You have to know that.” He hesitated, before prying Ashton’s hands from around his writs and taking them in his own. When Ashton didn’t show any sign of panic, he turned his hands and pushed his sleeves up so that the inside of his wrists were visible, but he didn’t touch the scars. They were almost faded now, which was a relief because that meant that Ashton had stopped cutting a long time ago, but they were still there. He looked Ashton in the eyes. “These are a part of you, they don’t make you less of a wonderful person and they won’t make me love you less.”

Ashton let out a small breath, squeezing Michael’s hands. “I know that. Logically I know that. My therapist tells me enough. Even Cal told me so.”

“Yeah, about Calum,” he started, trying not to sound accusing. “Why… Why have you been telling him everything? Were you not scared he would leave as well? Or did you trust him more than us?”

Ashton frowned and took back his hands and pushed his sleeves back down over his wrists so that they were hidden from view once again. He shook his head. “No, it’s not like that. I never meant to talk to Calum. But he walked in on me cutting, once – it was a long time ago, I hadn’t even been in the band for a full year – and it was bad, that day. I actually don’t know what would have happened if he hadn’t come in when he did. I had no choice but to talk to him, because he said he would tell my mom if I didn’t. I also had to convince him that I wasn’t trying to kill myself, that I just… slipped.”

Michael could see him starting to shake, so he figured he could use a break. “Do you want me to make you a cup of tea?” When Ash nodded with a grateful smile on his face, Michael got up and went in the small kitchenette to make the tea. While he was waiting for the water to boil, he took the time to take in everything Ashton had just told him. To be fair, what he said about having trust issues wasn’t very surprising, but the fact that his friend had been feeling like this his entire life was hard to comprehend. He was very glad Calum had walked in on him that day, because, well, he probably saved their drummer’s life without knowing it, and that meant that at least Ashton had had someone he could share everything with that wasn’t his therapist. He wondered where Luke stood in all of this.

When the tea was ready, he brought it back to the bedroom, surprised to find Ashton in bed, sat up against the headboard, the comforter up to his chin. He looked tired, like that short conversation had used up all his life force. Michael gave him the steaming cup and settled at his friend’s side after taking off his shoes, also under the covers.

He waited a few minutes to let Ashton calm down a little more before talking again. “Have you been talking to Luke at all?” That was a safe question to ask.

Ashton shook his head after taking a sip. “No. He tried, once, a long time ago, but I could see he just wanted to be nice and that he was super uncomfortable, so it wasn’t hard to shut him out.” He smiled fondly. “I think Luke gets extremely overwhelmed when it’s time to have real serious conversations, so there was no point in making the both of us miserable, really.”

Michael snorted at that. “Yeah, you’re right. Every time I talk about my issues it’s like he’s feeling things ten times more than I am. But he’s a good listener, and he likes to help. If you want to talk to him someday, he won’t turn you down.”

Ashton said nothing for a while, seeming lost in his thoughts, so Michael just watched him drink his tea in silence. He might be tired, but he still looked beautiful, even if a little pale. He was so focused on him that he was surprised when he spoke again.

“There’s something else I need to tell you.” He’d put his already empty cup on the nightstand, and he turned so that he was facing Michael a bit more. “I really don’t know if it’s a good idea, but I’ve come this far and I just can’t not tell you.”

“Okay. It’s fine, you can tell me anything.” He gave Ashton an encouraging smile.

“This is different. But,” he seemed to steel himself for a moment, and this time he didn’t look away from Michael, “there’s another reason why I was so scared to tell you this even after we’d become good friends again. I just- I care about you. A whole lot, I always have. You mean a lot to me, and I was so relieved when we started hanging out for real again. And I grew to know you even more, even if there were still boundaries around us, and you started to mean even more to me.”

Michael had trouble breathing all of a sudden, his heart impossibly loud in his chest. He didn’t want to get his hopes up for nothing, but listening to Ashton talk, it was hard. He’d repressed his feelings for him a long time ago, they barely ever resurfaced, but now, they were coming right back up. He held his breath, waiting for what Ashton was going to say next.

“I love you,” the drummer said in a breath, as if he’d been holding onto the words for too long. “I love you so much, Michael, you have no idea.” He was looking at him with big, scared hazel eyes, and Michael felt like he would be drowning in them if he wasn’t so shocked by the boy’s words.

“Do you mean love, as in...” He couldn’t say it, not if it turned out he wasn’t right, although he probably was, if the way Ashton was looking at him with so much vulnerability amidst the fear was anything to go by.

“I mean, I want to take you on dates and kiss you and- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t get ahead of myself.” He looked like he was about to close in on himself once more, and Michael realized he was gonna have to work for this as well.

“No, Ash,” he found Ashton’s hands under the covers and brought them close to him, careful not to touch his wrists. He made sure he was looking at him. “I love you too, yeah? I have for as long as I’ve known you. I want to go on dates with you, too. Would you-” Maybe he was the one getting ahead of himself now, but the red haired boy had started to glow, his face free of any nerves or fear, and he needed to ask, “Would you let me kiss you, right now?”

The drummer seemed to think about it for a while, and Michael told himself not to take it personally if he said no. After all, just because Ashton wanted to get this off his chest, didn’t mean he was ready to actually date. He’d watched him date people over the years: he’d never seemed at ease, and now that Michael knew it was because he hard a hard time trusting that people loved him, it made more sense. And, Michael might have just said that he did love him and was here to stay, but that didn’t mean Ashton would just accept it.

Apparently he did, or he was ready to risk it if he didn’t, because after a moment Michael felt hands squeeze his own and soft but demanding lips on his. He hadn’t let himself think about this for a long while, but kissing Ashton in real life was so much better than what he could have imagined.

The kiss turned desperate quickly, as if now that they had found each other they couldn’t stop. Ashton seemed to have let go of any doubt he had, one of his hands flying to Michael’s hair, the other on his jaw, and Michael was happy to let him take control of the kiss, his own hands on Ashton’s waist.

He let out a gasp when he felt a hand tug lightly on his hair, and Ashton took it as an invitation to slip his tongue in his mouth. He gave in easily, letting the drummer play around a while. This was the Ashton he was used to: sure of himself, commanding, but still so incredibly generous. Michael could tell by the hand on his jaw stroking him lovingly, making sure Michael knew the love he’d talked about was right here.

After a while he needed to breathe, so he pushed Ashton away gently, still keeping his hands on his waist as he tried to regain his breath.

“Was that okay?” Ashton asked, but he was smiling so bright that he probably knew the answer already.

Michael, his smile matching the drummer’s, still pecked him once on the lips. “Perfect. We should do it again.”

Ashton shook his head. “Not yet. This was fun, but I want to take you on a date, first. We have so much to talk about.” Now that the nervousness was gone, he had a mischievous look in his eye, as if he was enjoying making the blond wait.

Michael pouted. “You’re not being fair. We profess our love to each other after years and now you want to wait for a stupid date and _talk_? I don’t think so.” He tried to lean back into Ashton to steal a kiss, but the other boy only laughed before getting out of bed, taking his empty cup back to the kitchenette.

Michael was left bewildered. He knew Ashton liked to tease, he’d seen him be like that with Calum and Luke and his other friends, even though it usually involved less talk of kissing and dates, but he was never really like that with him. Was he just waiting to get comfortable? Did he also feel like the relationship he had with Michael was too fragile to involve this kind of behavior?

As much as Michael was liking this new development, he also liked having Ashton’s lips on his. Suddenly, an idea crossed his mind as he looked out the window into the night sky. He didn’t want to push too much, he knew Ashton had just shared a lot with him and that, not being used to it, he probably needed some time, but he was sure he would enjoy this.

He was putting his shoes back on when Ashton came back into the main room, and he could hear the moment the red hair stopped in his tracks, his breath catching. “What are you doing? Are you leaving?” 

Michael’s head shot back up so fast his neck hurt. He quickly shook his head, not wanting Ashton to think he was leaving after everything. “No, don’t worry.” He frowned. “No, actually I am leaving, but I want you to come with me.”

Ashton visibly relaxed, but he was still hesitant. “Why?”

Michael beamed at him when he stood up. “I’m taking you on a date!”

“Right now?” He didn’t seem satisfied when Michael just nodded enthusiastically. “Michael, I don’t think we should go out on a date in _Milan_ , too many people could see us. Besides, we both look like we just woke up.”

“Trust me Ash,” he took the drummer’s hands in his own, for the third time that night. “Where I’m taking you, no one’s gonna see us, and you can keep your hoodie.” When he still didn’t budge, Michael sighed. “C’mon, I know you’ll like it. Please?”

Ashton agreed, finally, because Michael knew he was curious, and Michael kissed his cheek, telling him to put on his shoes, and then they were out the door.

It didn’t take them too long to reach the rooftop even by taking the stairs. When Ashton had realized they were going up past the last floor, he’d all but grinned at Michael, eyes full of gratitude for the blond, and started climbing the stairs faster.

The summer night greeted them as they opened the door to the rooftop, and he could see Ashton taking a full breath of fresh air from the corner of his eye. The drummer didn’t even wait for Michael, heading directly towards the edge of the building, sitting down with his legs over the other side. He immediately started looking up, and Michael was happy. He knew Ashton liked peaceful things, he’d stumbled upon him meditating more than once, so he’d figured he would enjoy this kind of date. Nothing big or fancy, just them and the stars.

He made his way towards his friend (whom he hoped would be more than that soon enough), and sat down next to him. He wasn’t a big fan of heights himself, but he’d just ignore it if it meant Ashton was at peace. Michael couldn’t stop watching him. He looked in his element, eyes not leaving the sky for a second, the biggest smile on his pretty face. His was also not fiddling with his wrists or sleeves, and that was honestly a relief. Michael didn’t know if it was something Ashton did when he was nervous and he just hadn’t noticed, or if he did it when the scars were brought up directly or he was thinking about them, but he didn’t really like it either way.

Lost in his thoughts, Michael was almost surprised when Ashton looked back at him, his hazel eyes as full of stars as the sky he’d been admiring, and the blond’s breath hitched at the sight. Now that he could stare at Ashton without having to hide or wonder what it meant, he didn’t feel like looking away.

“You were right,” Ashton said, content, “I love it. I love watching the stars. It calms me down”.

“I had a feeling it would,” Michael said back, before sliding against Ashton’s side and throwing his arm around his shoulders, and he finally deigned looking up as he felt Ashton throw his own arm around Michael’s waist and rest his head against his shoulder. The stars _were_ beautiful, Michael had to admit. He wasn’t much for stargazing, but he could still recognize the beauty of things he wasn’t familiar with.

They stayed like that for a long time, exchanging a few words here and there but mostly enjoying each other’s presence in comfortable silence. They were used to silence when it came to each other, it wasn’t gonna change overnight.

“Thank you.”

Michael frowned and held Ashton tighter. “For what?”

“For everything.” He took Michael’s free hand in his own, this time being the one initiate the hand-holding. Michael like holding hands. “For being you. For still wanting to be my friend all those years ago when you had every right to be angry at me. For staying now. For taking me here.”

The wind had started picking up, but Michael had never felt so much _warmth_ before. Here he was, with a fragile yet so strong human being wrapped in his arms, and he never wanted to let him go. He’d have waited a lifetime for Ashton to find the courage to finally open up to him if it meant that this was were they would end up.

“Well, I love you. And I can’t wait to never leave you.”

(The next morning, when Calum found them wrapped around each other in Ashton’s bed in their big sweaters and under fluffy covers, he couldn’t find it in him to wake them up. If his friends had finally found each other after so long, them promo would have to wait a little bit.)

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is always appreciated!
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr [@jbhmalum](https://jbhmalum.tumblr.com/) it's fun over here!


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